Hit Rock Bottom

I am currently sitting in front of my laptop, and typing this blindly without any thoughts at all. I tried to write some poems, love poems to be exact, but it comes out horribly disgusting. I realized that I can only write sad emotions kind of poems and that is really disturbing. Maybe because I haven’t been in real love for so long that I don’t really know how to express it. Too bad for that.

This has been a very bad year for me. Wrong man, wrong job, wrong choices, everything’s wrong. After I left my MNC Company, which I have worked for 3 years, things has been downhill. I went to a newly set-up Finnish company, and they paid me, without any work for me. That makes me a slacker, and I don’t want to be a slacker. Then my friend asks me to work in her company, and I took it thinking that it’s better. Yeah, the work is a lot, no doubt about it, but the system is a total chaos. A lot of discordance going on and too many things bundled up for one person to cope. I worked for 4 months, and then I found a job in another company. I worked for 5 days only. Yeah, 5 days, you heard right. Why, you asked? Well, the structure is too rigid and constructive, and it’s controlling my inner self. I can’t work in this kind of environment. Everything must be in “perfection”. Nothing is perfect. I can’t deal with it, and I left. Too rush? Stupid? Craxy? Yeah, everything of that. Why can’t I just cope with all the rigid rules and regulations until I find another job? If I can, I will, that’s for sure. My character is my downfall maybe.

Anyway, I called up a friend of mine, who's looking for indoor sales. The salary is quite low, but I need to start somewhere. The problem is, if I got the job, it will start in Jan 2011. I'm unpaid and broke by then. But I'm selling off my car, and bought a Perodua Viva, will take half of the money to settle all of my debts, and I'm cleared. I'm going to start over my life.

A miserable 2010 year, maybe by my own doing. I'm losing confidence right now, and ashamed of being the only failure in the family. I want to make things better. I told my best friend, and it seems that she don't understand me at all. That's a bit sad isn't it? 

That's all I want to share. Nothing much from a down and out 31 year old woman who has nothing as of yet.