Blaming Others to Feel Better??

I wrote an email to him, to say goodbye, because there's lots of things I need to tell him, and confronting him face-to-face won't let me express all of it.
So, I did it, and he accept it, but now he's putting up messages in skype for me to see, messages that hurts me a lot. After a week of "dumping him", he put up a message "true colors seen, take care always", then "6 pages can tell the truth of a person" something like that. Then stating life is full of misery and mystery, want to die, this and that. WTF?? He knows I will read it. I expected these from him. He's such a narrow-minded person and always keeps bitterness on his side.

He's doing a good job making me feel miserable, as if I'm not hurting inside as well. I know he's sad and hurt, but making me feel like all this is my fault, it's very childish and selfish of him.
Acting in denial, and not accepting the facts.

I'm trying to ignore him as much as I can, but it just gets on my nerve, so I put up a msg in MSN for him.. "trample me all you want if it ease your mind.. don't assume that it does not pain me" Hope he reads it and understand.

The main reason I left him was that he wants to be in control of everything, even my personal life. Which I think is not fair. He don't trust me, even though he said he does. His actions speaks otherwise. He gets overly jealous. He snoops my things behind my back. And he's such an egocentric, materialistic guy. The choices and decision he makes, almost all the time, is to his own benefits. Always.. If a guy makes you feel weak and inferior, better leave.. every one has an identity, and a mind to make choices. If he don't want to accept it, then he's not worth the time.

When I realised all this, it really wakes me up. Somehow I just felt that, if I don't leave him now, I won't in the future. It's hard. He has his good points too, I was happy, but not anymore. I promise myself 4 years ago, that I won't end up with a guy like this, and I intend to keep that promise. It's a burden I can't carry.

All in all, we're wrong to be together in the first place. So, yeah, I have my regrets, but I'm moving forward now.. hope he does too. He needs time.. slowly hopefully he will live a merrier life and not in bitter and resentful life.

I Hate My Job.. And Everything in Between

Okie.. here's the truth.. I hate my current job. Literally hate it. Don't even have the motivation to wake up and go to work. Don't have the motivation to do my job (that's why I'm blogging.. duh!!). Everything just seems boring and dull. I need to change environment or maybe change profession line.
Half-year of 2010 have been one bad luck to another. I haven't achieve anything yet. Well.. not really. I did pull off an event from my previous company, which I'm proud off. It was fun. Anyway.. I intend to use the 2nd half of 2010 to it's fullest. I need a change. A really big change.

I felt like there's a big cauldron bubbling inside of me, and it's going to explode if I don't do anything. The problem is, I don't know what I'm suppose to do. My emotions are all jumbled up because of a guy, and my job just doesn't suits me anymore. Heck.. depression is just around the corner, and it's freaking me out.

I'm looking for other jobs, but no reply as of yet, and trying to mend my broken heart. I can't stay at home, need to go out and do something. Books are my salvation, but sometimes it's hard to concentrate. I get frustrated easily, and being quiet is the key. My bubbliness has gone off somewhere, and I need it back. Should go out and mingle around.. ;)

I hope that the next time I'm blogging, it's more on the positive side. Because lately, it sounded so despondent. Let me get my life straighten out first, coz it's crooked to 90° right now.

Wish me good luck.. later..

Facade...

Very hard to put a happy facade when inside you're miserable. I can be hahahaha and hehehehe with everyone, and it does ease my heart a bit, but after that, back to square one. I need to do something to fill in the gap. I went out, did some errands for my boss, went to Queensbay, exchange my free movie ticket at GSC. Watching Karate Kid tomorrow. :) Then banking, afterward touch-up my hair color and did a treatment IShine (i think), since I got 30% on my birthday month.

This year June is not as fulfilling as I wanted. All because of him. Just as coin have two side, human beings as well. There's always two sides of a human's character. I got my regrets, but as I said, I need time to truly get over it all. Keep moving forward...

It's getting better.. I'm going to read my Reaper's Gale and sleep early, since flu has arrived to greet me. hehehehe..

Abyss of Comfort

down into the abyss, i saw a door, open it I did, and be there forever more,
for there is light, a pearlescent glow, which shows me warmth, gladness and love.

Hope

Never give up too readily and too soon, for there is hope, waiting to be found. "Hope" chime silently around us, if only we can hear it.. and find it.. ;)

First and foremost..

If you expect people to truly love you, love yourself first.
If you want people to accept you, accept yourself first (flaws and whatnot)
If you yearn for the future, let go of the past first.
If you wish for happiness, be happy for your loved one first.

Love's Ending

I met you, without knowing you
A stranger to a friend and a lover
Who we are now, afterward, our future is blind to us

Seeing you, seeing me
Two different worlds, we meet
Forbidden and with secrecy
Is it hard for you? For it is for me

Tried I did, and love i gave, without a question, unconditionally
From there, disappointment are aplenty
Do you know how hurt I felt deeply?

So many ifs, so many possibilities
But nothing will change the reality
I'm walking away from all of it
For I know it's not meant to be

Love is about trust, honesty and understanding
Love is about patience, appreciation and respect
Love is about openness, loving and cherishing
Love is about giving without thoughts of receiving

I gave love a chance, I gave love completely
And I received only love's memories,
Sweet like honey, but taste so sourly
How could it end up like this?

Your affectation and complacency
Your selfishness and insecurities
Has change my love to fear of you
You pushed me away so drastically

I awoke to find myself alone
But loneliness is not in the midst
I smiled to myself, because I know in my heart
That I love myself, and that's the most important part.

Breaking Up is Hard

I just broke up with someone I love. It wasn't meant to be anyway. Been with him for 2 months only. It's deep and yet, the feelings changed so fast. Maybe because of the situation we're in, it's kinda cooled after a while. Tired sometimes. But I've tried, and tried. I want to make it work. We're just not meant to be.

Luckily I've found out the actual character of him early on. If not, I won't be able to break free. He must have hated me for leaving him. Funny thing is, why I care so much how he think of me? He's a good guy, love me a lot but very proud and egoistic as well. Too jealous by far, and kinda controls me. It's hard to cope with this kind of character. Isn't it? I want a relationship whereby I can breathe.. not suffocating deep inside. How can a person be so selfish? I care so much for him, love him unconditionally, and yet, he does not trust me, and... there's so much.. ah.. scrap it off..

I don't want to say goodbye, but I can't be with a guy like that. I will hurt myself in the long run for sure. :(

Disappointment every time. I always give my all to them, but they ended up disappointing me. Never have any luck in the love department. Always a fool, making stupid mistakes. Too softhearted, that's what my best friend said about me. She's right.. Don't really want to think about it anymore. What's the point anyway? Happiest time was when I was single. I always felt alone whenever I'm in a relationship anyway, so, why would I want one?

But, I'm not giving up on love. I love myself, that's the most important thing. And I want to live my life to the fullest, have fun. If love comes along the way, I need to really really think on it. Try I may, but I don't know... This is my current thought, and people change as they grew older. You'll never know how my thoughts will be in the future. Heck, I don't even know myself!!

Currently, my feelings are sad, hurt, and relieved at the same time. Emotions are all jumbled up. Hahaha.. And I have to give a straight face, to show that I'm fine and all. Hard, isn't it?

Time will heal a wounding heart. That's for sure. So, right now, I'm trying to find stuff to enjoy, and be free and happy.. Don't worry.. I'm a positive and optimistic girl. I will endure.. hahahaha..

At Changi Airport Returning to Penang

Currently in Changi Airport, waiting to board Airasia back to Penang. Still got an hour to go. Damn bored. Using their free Internet access, hehehehe.. at least can decrease the boredom. I love Malaysia, especially my state, Penang, but I really like Singapore a lot. My best friend keeps on encouraging me to start a new life here in Singapore. I'm contemplating about it, but there's so much that I can't let go in Penang. She keeps on telling me that there nothing left for me in Penang anymore. Which alas, I have to admit, it's kinda true.. :(

I love the public transport in Singapore. I kinda "expert" in it now. Hahahaha.. after 4 days and 3 nights, wow.. that's considered good right? :p Anyhoos.. It's user friendly and kinda convenient, but you have to walk walk walk, which I mind not at all.

But I don't really like the food there, coz there's no "oomph" in the taste. Just average. Maybe because I'm a Penangite, and you know, Penang is a food haven, and we Penang people love to eat. Hahaha... Maybe haven't found the yummy food in Singapore yet.

Don't worry, I'll be back to Singapore soon. It's a nice place, and I don't really explore much yet. Soon.. soon... once I have accumulated enough money, I'll be back. hahahaha.. (Maybe I'll be there for good.. you'll never know).. ;)

Career in Writings?

I've been working in the administrative line for around 10 years now. And it's taking a toll on me. I don't know if this is the right career path for me. I find no satisfaction anymore. It seems so vapid now. I love doing reports, like sales report, or creating slides, tables, charts.. anything that requires thoughts. Or doing research for that matter.
But I've been thinking of switching line. Maybe venturing into creative writing? What do you think? Do I have the skills? Will I be happy? I love to express my feelings, especially in writing forms. Being creative with words and writing metaphor and being rhetorical. It's fun for me actually.
So, should I or shouldn't I? Jumping into a new profession, without any education / experience background will be tough, no doubt. Salary wise, well, I'm going to work from the bottom up, obviously. It's hard isn't it? With all my commitments, how am I going to survive?

Sigh.. I don't know. I need some inputs. Anyone can help?